I am so fricken tired today...I stayed up last night till 3 a.m. reading a book and then blogging my feelings..WTF was I thinking?? Knowing that today I have to get up with Phoebe, thank goodness my other 2 weren't here!! It is dark as balls outside...I have major cleaning to do before the masses come up for the Grange Fair this weekend, I will be at the soccer field tonight handing out uniforms and meanwhile all I feel like doing is curling up in a large ball of blankets and telling everyone to kiss off.
I think I am losing my mind..no wait..it's gone. All common sense and intellectual reasoning is gone, I have reduced my mind to a puddle of mushy emotions..Hey! I am back to my teenage days!
I need like another 8 hours of sleep and a maid.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Reality Bites the Big One
Here I am thinking laughing yourself into an asthma attack just plain old sucks when really, CRYING yourself into one over a fictional book tops it! I just got done reading My Sister's Keeper, by Jodi Picoult..and OMG, I bawled like it was her telling my own story. It wasn't that though, I promise.
Maybe it's because I have become this emotional sap that can't hold it together long enough to watch a sad commercial, (i mean come on, those numnuts who thought up the SPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan and Willie Nelson playing in the background...they're sick to play with people's emotions so harshly in 20 seconds time!!) let alone read a book that is such the sob-inducing emotional rollercoaster. I know I shouldn't be surprised over this though considering the amount of stress and emotional baggage I have accumulated over this past year.
What hits home after reading that book is Sarah. I see her face, my freckled sunshine and it hurts because I miss her. She's not even my sister, she's Paul's and still, even though I had such a short time to know and love her, it still, to this day, almost 10 years after losing her, it still hurts like HELL. She would be 22 this year. She would be coming up to our house for the Grange with Ann and Emily and perhaps Dad if he were here. How would things be different? Would she come more often as an adult, would she take the girls for weekend trips? What kind of relationship would they have with her? Sarah would be in her last year of college, what would she had been? We always saw her as a Vet, specializing in Equine health, that certainly pinned her at the age of 12, but would she have stuck with it or changed her mind a million times like kids so often do? How would her and Emily be together? A force to be reckoned with, that's for certain, but would I still be chasing them around the house with a wooden spoon and wrestling them to the ground in a tickle battle? What would she look like? She was just starting to bloom when she passed away...how tall would she have been? Would she still look like her brother as much as she did? Their personalities were so in synch with eachother..there was never a doubt that they were 2 peas in a pod and that they were spawn from their Dad. I miss her laugh, I can't hear it anymore. I miss her hugs, the way she would meander her way over and with a big cheesy grin give me a tight squeeze. I miss her laying her head in my lap so I could run my fingers through her gorgeous, thick red hair. I would trace the blonde highlights and twirl them in my fingers. It relaxed her when I did this..it was our nightly routine when her and Em would sleep over. We would do it in the morning too, the 2 of them would wake up and climb into my bed still half asleep and we would snuggle. I have never known what they saw in me, hell, I still don't see what my husband sees in me, but God, it made me feel loved. We just clicked from the get-go and I fell head over heels for Paul's sisters, it felt like I had always known them right from their births. I felt like a missing puzzle piece that was found and fit right into the grand family scheme. So when Sarah passed, apart of that puzzle disappeared with only the memories to fill the gap. Oh, I thank GOD we have Emily. She's what got me through it. The hope I had for her and the resolve that she has to fight her way through life and tragedy just as she did that drainpipe, she is a miracle and for a long time has been the key to keeping my faith in God intact.
When Dad passed away, well, actually, when I watched Dad pass away..really only the shell that held him since he was brain dead, and I had to witness my best friend in the whole wide world, my lover, my soulmate, let go of his father when there was so much unsaid between them and no chance to reconcile and say goodbye; then watch as Ann said goodbye to her best friend and soulmate as mine sat beside me, there are just no words that can describe that agony(and it was being revisited from when Sarah passed!!! How fucken unfair is that shit!). I saw him pass away, take his last shuddering breath and saw the machine flatline. That image of him in his last seconds is forever burned into my memory. I wonder, if the ambulance had gotten to him sooner, if he had not been without oxygen for too long, if he had survived...what would have changed?
As I lay there at night wanting to go to sleep without his face in my mind, I feel guilty when I cry. He wasn't my dad, mine is still alive. He's my father-in-law..a man I have known for 12.5 years as opposed to the one who's known me for all my 30. And yet, I mourn like he was my own dad...and yet I feel guilty cause its not my burden to bear and can't imagine how much worse Paul or Em feel..
LOL, crazy that I am laughing but all this emotion has been brought on by a fictional book. I read to escape reality and yet by reading this novel I have been bitten in the ass by it.
I miss Abbie and Maddie. I am saying a special prayer for their return home tomorrow from my sister's and I am going to give Phoebe an extra kiss from Mommy. I love my family more then life itself and I hope they know that.
Maybe it's because I have become this emotional sap that can't hold it together long enough to watch a sad commercial, (i mean come on, those numnuts who thought up the SPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan and Willie Nelson playing in the background...they're sick to play with people's emotions so harshly in 20 seconds time!!) let alone read a book that is such the sob-inducing emotional rollercoaster. I know I shouldn't be surprised over this though considering the amount of stress and emotional baggage I have accumulated over this past year.
What hits home after reading that book is Sarah. I see her face, my freckled sunshine and it hurts because I miss her. She's not even my sister, she's Paul's and still, even though I had such a short time to know and love her, it still, to this day, almost 10 years after losing her, it still hurts like HELL. She would be 22 this year. She would be coming up to our house for the Grange with Ann and Emily and perhaps Dad if he were here. How would things be different? Would she come more often as an adult, would she take the girls for weekend trips? What kind of relationship would they have with her? Sarah would be in her last year of college, what would she had been? We always saw her as a Vet, specializing in Equine health, that certainly pinned her at the age of 12, but would she have stuck with it or changed her mind a million times like kids so often do? How would her and Emily be together? A force to be reckoned with, that's for certain, but would I still be chasing them around the house with a wooden spoon and wrestling them to the ground in a tickle battle? What would she look like? She was just starting to bloom when she passed away...how tall would she have been? Would she still look like her brother as much as she did? Their personalities were so in synch with eachother..there was never a doubt that they were 2 peas in a pod and that they were spawn from their Dad. I miss her laugh, I can't hear it anymore. I miss her hugs, the way she would meander her way over and with a big cheesy grin give me a tight squeeze. I miss her laying her head in my lap so I could run my fingers through her gorgeous, thick red hair. I would trace the blonde highlights and twirl them in my fingers. It relaxed her when I did this..it was our nightly routine when her and Em would sleep over. We would do it in the morning too, the 2 of them would wake up and climb into my bed still half asleep and we would snuggle. I have never known what they saw in me, hell, I still don't see what my husband sees in me, but God, it made me feel loved. We just clicked from the get-go and I fell head over heels for Paul's sisters, it felt like I had always known them right from their births. I felt like a missing puzzle piece that was found and fit right into the grand family scheme. So when Sarah passed, apart of that puzzle disappeared with only the memories to fill the gap. Oh, I thank GOD we have Emily. She's what got me through it. The hope I had for her and the resolve that she has to fight her way through life and tragedy just as she did that drainpipe, she is a miracle and for a long time has been the key to keeping my faith in God intact.
When Dad passed away, well, actually, when I watched Dad pass away..really only the shell that held him since he was brain dead, and I had to witness my best friend in the whole wide world, my lover, my soulmate, let go of his father when there was so much unsaid between them and no chance to reconcile and say goodbye; then watch as Ann said goodbye to her best friend and soulmate as mine sat beside me, there are just no words that can describe that agony(and it was being revisited from when Sarah passed!!! How fucken unfair is that shit!). I saw him pass away, take his last shuddering breath and saw the machine flatline. That image of him in his last seconds is forever burned into my memory. I wonder, if the ambulance had gotten to him sooner, if he had not been without oxygen for too long, if he had survived...what would have changed?
As I lay there at night wanting to go to sleep without his face in my mind, I feel guilty when I cry. He wasn't my dad, mine is still alive. He's my father-in-law..a man I have known for 12.5 years as opposed to the one who's known me for all my 30. And yet, I mourn like he was my own dad...and yet I feel guilty cause its not my burden to bear and can't imagine how much worse Paul or Em feel..
LOL, crazy that I am laughing but all this emotion has been brought on by a fictional book. I read to escape reality and yet by reading this novel I have been bitten in the ass by it.
I miss Abbie and Maddie. I am saying a special prayer for their return home tomorrow from my sister's and I am going to give Phoebe an extra kiss from Mommy. I love my family more then life itself and I hope they know that.
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